We’ve all heard the verbiage, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it”
While yes, that’s true, it CAN be what someone says that stings. Most of the time, people do not mean to be cruel or hurtful. Sometimes, it just happens, whether by someone using the wrong wording, wrong timing, or simply not knowing the whole of a situation. I’m sure we’ve all heard this too…
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
It can still hurt even when someone meant it another way.
I’ve had two instances, one from 3 years ago and one recently, that are sticking in my mind.
Three years ago, I was attending a four-day training class. Some of us get close, especially being a bodywork class. We all chat during breaks, as you do, getting to know one another and all that jazz. One woman kept mentioning her two-year-old daughter, an obviously proud mother, both in class and on breaks. She knew I worked in childcare, so we chatted about childcare and kids in general. This proud mama was also exhausted from being a mom of a two-year-old. (They are cute, and yes, a handful) She then asked, “Do you have any kids?” I replied, “No.” Her response was something to the effect of “Be glad you don’t. They’re a handful.” and kind of giggled.
What she didn’t know was that very day, coming up on the very hour was the anniversary of the day I lost a child. The child that stayed in my belly longer than any other child that inhabited my womb prior or since. The child I wanted. The child I named. The child I have a one and-only sonogram of. I had to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom silently before class started again.
Did she know? Of course not. Did it still hurt? You bet it did. Words matter.
My more recent experience of this was with a colleague of mine. We’re both in childcare and can commiserate on the ins and outs, ups and downs of being childcare providers in other people’s homes. I’ve been working with children for a collective of 30 years and have seen quite a bit. Probably more than quite a bit. As I am transitioning out of being in home to another path, I do find myself more “done” with things I find unpleasant—infant diarrhea, for one. One of my charges had a tummy bug, and the poor little thing has had massive blowout diapers this week. While I handled it professionally, I was still annoyed even when a blowout happened on my pants and shirt (and, of course, the day I forgot to put a new outfit in my truck just in case). The sour, sticky liquid seeped through my clothes and onto my skin. After cleaning the baby up and giving myself a mini soapy scrub down, I texted my colleague to vent my annoyance and frustration, saying I am so done with dealing with diarrhea. Her response was, “I’m glad you never had children.”
WTH? My mind went in a million different directions. This woman knows my struggles and loss and still said that. Part of my brain knew what she meant. Babies and children equal sick and diarrhea sometimes. I get that, but the exact wording hurt my heart. I asked why she said that. I knew her response before she said it. Basically, when you work with children or have children of your own, diarrhea is part of the job or part of being a parent, and if I don’t like it (dealing with diarrhea), then it was better if I never had children.
While l knew what she meant and how she meant it, the exact wording surprised me. I cried. I sat on the floor while the tummy-bugged baby lay beside me, cooing and just cried. I cried until my tears burned. The little one looked at me with such a sweet softness of understanding that it made me cry even more. And then, realizing just how aware these little creatures are, I cried even more because the child beside me isn’t mine. Then I cried more. I don’t know how long I cried. I cried until my tears were done, and my eyes stung.
After I regained my composure, I sent a text saying while I know she didn’t mean it that way, her words still hurt, and I needed time.
These two instances have made me aware, deeply aware, of how important the words we use are.
Do I know the right words for someone to say to me? No
Do I know and feel what words aren’t right to say to me? Yes. Because I feel it.
I will continue to figure out what's ok and what's not for me.
For the random woman from class, I didn’t say anything. I let that interaction go. Keeping the memory of it in my heart so I personally can be better with my words in the future.
For my colleague, yes, I said something. I have been in a raw state lately as I delve deep into my healing and tapping into places I have buried deep. While I do not hold any guilt towards my colleague, I am using this to better my understanding of how I can support others who have experienced loss as well as knowing myself better to see what triggers me and to speak up for myself when someone says something hurtful.
These are the Sacred Whispers of my Heart.
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